Thursday, July 15, 2010

Have you met Samantha?

We, as women, have a negative relationship with our weight, scales, and clothing sizes. We always think that if I were a certain weight or dress size, I would be perfect. So here's my story...

I was an obese child. Yes, I was the fat kid. I wore a size 5 in the 4th grade. I remember Field Day at school. I was running in the 100m dash, and all I can remember are my cheeks bouncing up and down as I ran. I also remember being weighed during P.E. in 5th grade... 136 lbs. I was so embarassed. Yep, me and weight don't get along very well. Actually, I hate her. So, when I got to middle school, end of 8th grade to be exact, I subsisted on diet pills, iceberg lettuce salads, pickles and fruit punch. I had read Sweet Valley High books all of my life and I totally had to be thin for high school. Like TOTALLY!! By the time I was a freshmen in high school, I had lost about 40-50 lbs. It was a whole different world being a "normal" size. (I wouldn't dare say thin.) I was ok with being a size 8, sometimes 1o. But the thing that really got me and what was so intoxicating was the way people treated me. I was somewhat "cool" with new friends, and boys actually wanted to talk to & date me. So, I maintained my weight until I was about 21... Gained and lost a little weight until I was 25, but was I was happy because I was considered thick... Big boobs, thick thighs, flat stomach and big hips. My image of self took a huge and traumatic turn after I had my first child at 26. I was ok at first because I realized I had just had a baby. A year later, I found my self overweight (AGAIN!). So, I went to see the "fat doctor" for the pills and shots that make you skinny. In the course of a month, I went from a size 16/18 to a 10/12. I was back happy again. You couldn't tell me nothin'. I was FINE!!!

Six months later, the weight started creeping up on me. I was stressed and planning a wedding. So, guess where I went! Back to the "fat doctor"!! This time we added a new shot to the mix of pills & shots, HCG. The weight didn't come off as quickly as the first time. Actually, very little came off.

I get married. A few months later, I have this breakdown about weight/sizes/scales... Again! (I know, right?! I should be tired of this by now, right?!) I go see another "fat doctor"... AGAIN! No weight comes off, and I get pregnant. 'Cause guess what!! HCG makes you fertile. (Enlarges the ovaries.) In the beginning of my pregnancy, it was difficult to determine how far along I was because my HCG levels were super high. So high, it was suspected that I was pregnant with twins. AND, to top all of that off my thyroid was not functioning properly. (Another side effect of HCG.)

So, I have my second child. This time I wasn't as obsessive over my weight. But, it has crept up without me looking. Guess what I did! I went to ANOTHER "fat doctor". (Yes, I have a hard head.) I lost about 10 lbs, but phentermine keeps me up for 24 hrs. at a time. I had to quit that. But, noooo quitting is for losers, right? So, what do I do? I decide to start another HCG diet. Three days into it I was second guessing the whole thing. But, I had lost 6 lbs in like a week. My conscience is my friend, so two weeks later I decided to quit.

That brings us to today. My husband and I purchased a gym membership. (I need interaction, and Insanity was not doing it for me at home. Excellent dvd though!) Over the course of my twenty-nine years (more so the last month or so) , I have counseled myself. I have come to the following conclusions (some were common sense):
  • going to the "fat doctor" is NOT going to solve anything;
  • the "fat doctor" and his/her pills & injections can do more harm than good (phentermine is nothing but legal speed);
  • the "fat doctor" is the devil (just kidding... :) )
  • weight loss surgery is NOT going to fix anything;
  • losing weight and keeping it off permanently is a LIFESTYLE change (I have seen people who have taken surgical measures gain every pound and then some back);
  • HCG is wolf in sheep's clothing;
  • no one, especially a man, is going to love you any more or less because of your weight (that's only if they truly love you);
  • weight/size issues plague everyone, even thin people;
  • your relationship with your weight starts when you are a child;
  • your feelings about weight can be directly related to your feelings about your self image;
  • self image is NOT how the world sees you, it's how you see you;
  • weight/size does not determine your self worth.

The last thing was the hardest to recognize. I love that the American society is shifting towards acceptance of "plus size" women. However, in that acceptance I see unhealthiness and laziness. I see further acceptance of a sedentary lifestyle. I see acceptance of constant over-eating. I see acceptance of unhealthy foods. I see the perpetaution of generational curses. I see diabetes, hypertension, strokes, heart attacks, and high cholesterol becoming the norm. I see us living longer, but becoming slaves of medication to level all of our levels. I see acceptance of excuses. I am not bashing plus sized women at all. I am assaulting my personal, unhealthy lifestyle choices. I live in a microwave society where everying is supposed to happen quickly. Weight loss and acceptance of self is not a microwave. It is a slow cooker, a crock pot of sorts. In a crock pot, everything happens slowly and totally. A meal cooked in a crock pot tastes better than a microwave because the ingredients have had time to mix and settle with each other. In this instance, our ingredients are working out (on a regular & consistent basis) and a healthier, lower calorie diet.

So, I have re-introduced myself to my scale. I even named her Samantha. (We're not cool by any means, she's just someone I know.) Samantha told me I weighed... 248 pounds. (Wow, that brought tears to my eyes.) I hate Samantha! She's a biotch!! She also told me that I wear a size 18, a 16 on good days. (If she keeps telling me things like this, I'm gonna beat her up & take out her batteries.) The funny thing about this entire situation is that I met with my trainer yesterday to do a fit test. After all of the measurements and cardio & flexibility tests, he calculated that for my body type/shape that I needed to lose... drum roll, please... 32 pounds to be considered extremely fit, not the 75 that I had in my head. I was completely and utterly flabbergasted. 32 freakin' pounds!! Really?! So, he set my goal for 32 pounds. (I set my goal for 64 pounds. I know that I will NEVER be a size 4, but I would be quite satisfied in an 8.

Ultimately, Samantha and I will become really good acquiantances. Maybe even friends. But, in the back of my mind I will always have a love/hate relationship with her. As of this week, I have set new weightloss goals for myself, acquired a personal trainer, and a nutritionist. Some will question, "Why all of that?" I will gladly explain why: Some of us give our children the best. We give them all of the necessary tools to ensure success. Why can't I do the same for myself?

After all, I am a firm believer in "Go hard, or go home!!!" So, I will cheerfully flaunt my personal trainer havin', nutritionist usin', expensive gym membership carryin' self anywhere I please. And what I'll be spending on the nutritionist, trainer, and membership is the same amount, if not less than what I would spend on weight loss surgery. (You would need those things if you had surgery anyway in order to be thin and look good.) And, I will appreciate the pain and limping that comes with spinning class and weight-lifting... It lets me know that I am progressing. (Slowly limps to check on crying baby in crib, lol. I'm laughing, but I'm serious.) I will appreciate my time in the gym and use it as time to talk to God.

The last thing that I have learned...

  • Thin is NOT sexy. HEALTHY IS SEXY!!!

(This post went wayyyy to the left. It was not what I intended to say, at all, and waaaaayyyyy longer.)

Keepin' it Glittery,



  1. Dang Britt, you hit the nail on the head. This message is one that needs to get out. There are very few spreading THIS word. Thanks!

  2. GREAT post, and I totally agree..It's about choices. For 15 years, illness controlled my weight. I was so thin, and UNhealthy. I'm learning how it feels to be happy with healthy.:-)

  3. I loved this. I too was the fat kid until really my junior year and even then I was a size 10. After high school I was a size 7, two kids later I'm an 18 and miserable. I did the diet pills and the first time they worked GREAT. I went from a snug 18 to almost a 14 but as soon as I stopped the weight came back. I know the only way I'm going to get the body I want is to get in the gym and watch what I eat. Like you I will NEVER be a size 4 and I don't want to be. I LIKE my curves.

    I have to say Brittney I have always thought you were one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and a personality to match. Good luck on your journey!!!