Have you met Samantha?

We, as women, have a negative relationship with our weight, scales, and clothing sizes. We always think that if I were a certain weight or dress size, I would be perfect. So here's my story...

I was an obese child. Yes, I was the fat kid. I wore a size 5 in the 4th grade. I remember Field Day at school. I was running in the 100m dash, and all I can remember are my cheeks bouncing up and down as I ran. I also remember being weighed during P.E. in 5th grade... 136 lbs. I was so embarassed. Yep, me and weight don't get along very well. Actually, I hate her. So, when I got to middle school, end of 8th grade to be exact, I subsisted on diet pills, iceberg lettuce salads, pickles and fruit punch. I had read Sweet Valley High books all of my life and I totally had to be thin for high school. Like TOTALLY!! By the time I was a freshmen in high school, I had lost about 40-50 lbs. It was a whole different world being a "normal" size. (I wouldn't dare say thin.) I was ok with being a size 8, sometimes 1o. But the thing that really got me and what was so intoxicating was the way people treated me. I was somewhat "cool" with new friends, and boys actually wanted to talk to & date me. So, I maintained my weight until I was about 21... Gained and lost a little weight until I was 25, but was I was happy because I was considered thick... Big boobs, thick thighs, flat stomach and big hips. My image of self took a huge and traumatic turn after I had my first child at 26. I was ok at first because I realized I had just had a baby. A year later, I found my self overweight (AGAIN!). So, I went to see the "fat doctor" for the pills and shots that make you skinny. In the course of a month, I went from a size 16/18 to a 10/12. I was back happy again. You couldn't tell me nothin'. I was FINE!!!

Six months later, the weight started creeping up on me. I was stressed and planning a wedding. So, guess where I went! Back to the "fat doctor"!! This time we added a new shot to the mix of pills & shots, HCG. The weight didn't come off as quickly as the first time. Actually, very little came off.

I get married. A few months later, I have this breakdown about weight/sizes/scales... Again! (I know, right?! I should be tired of this by now, right?!) I go see another "fat doctor"... AGAIN! No weight comes off, and I get pregnant. 'Cause guess what!! HCG makes you fertile. (Enlarges the ovaries.) In the beginning of my pregnancy, it was difficult to determine how far along I was because my HCG levels were super high. So high, it was suspected that I was pregnant with twins. AND, to top all of that off my thyroid was not functioning properly. (Another side effect of HCG.)

So, I have my second child. This time I wasn't as obsessive over my weight. But, it has crept up without me looking. Guess what I did! I went to ANOTHER "fat doctor". (Yes, I have a hard head.) I lost about 10 lbs, but phentermine keeps me up for 24 hrs. at a time. I had to quit that. But, noooo quitting is for losers, right? So, what do I do? I decide to start another HCG diet. Three days into it I was second guessing the whole thing. But, I had lost 6 lbs in like a week. My conscience is my friend, so two weeks later I decided to quit.

That brings us to today. My husband and I purchased a gym membership. (I need interaction, and Insanity was not doing it for me at home. Excellent dvd though!) Over the course of my twenty-nine years (more so the last month or so) , I have counseled myself. I have come to the following conclusions (some were common sense):

• going to the "fat doctor" is NOT going to solve anything;
• the "fat doctor" and his/her pills & injections can do more harm than good (phentermine is nothing but legal speed);
• the "fat doctor" is the devil (just kidding... :) )
• weight loss surgery is NOT going to fix anything;
• losing weight and keeping it off permanently is a LIFESTYLE change (I have seen people who have taken surgical measures gain every pound and then some back);
• HCG is wolf in sheep's clothing;
• no one, especially a man, is going to love you any more or less because of your weight (that's only if they truly love you);
• weight/size issues plague everyone, even thin people;
• your relationship with your weight starts when you are a child;
• your feelings about weight can be directly related to your feelings about your self image;
• self image is NOT how the world sees you, it's how you see you;
• weight/size does not determine your self worth.

The last thing was the hardest to recognize. I love that the American society is shifting towards acceptance of "plus size" women. However, in that acceptance I see unhealthiness and laziness. I see further acceptance of a sedentary lifestyle. I see acceptance of constant over-eating. I see acceptance of unhealthy foods. I see the perpetaution of generational curses. I see diabetes, hypertension, strokes, heart attacks, and high cholesterol becoming the norm. I see us living longer, but becoming slaves of medication to level all of our levels. I see acceptance of excuses. I am not bashing plus sized women at all. I am assaulting my personal, unhealthy lifestyle choices. I live in a microwave society where everying is supposed to happen quickly. Weight loss and acceptance of self is not a microwave. It is a slow cooker, a crock pot of sorts. In a crock pot, everything happens slowly and totally. A meal cooked in a crock pot tastes better than a microwave because the ingredients have had time to mix and settle with each other. In this instance, our ingredients are working out (on a regular & consistent basis) and a healthier, lower calorie diet.

So, I have re-introduced myself to my scale. I even named her Samantha. (We're not cool by any means, she's just someone I know.) Samantha told me I weighed... 248 pounds. (Wow, that brought tears to my eyes.) I hate Samantha! She's a biotch!! She also told me that I wear a size 18, a 16 on good days. (If she keeps telling me things like this, I'm gonna beat her up & take out her batteries.) The funny thing about this entire situation is that I met with my trainer yesterday to do a fit test. After all of the measurements and cardio & flexibility tests, he calculated that for my body type/shape that I needed to lose... drum roll, please... 32 pounds to be considered extremely fit, not the 75 that I had in my head. I was completely and utterly flabbergasted. 32 freakin' pounds!! Really?! So, he set my goal for 32 pounds. (I set my goal for 64 pounds. I know that I will NEVER be a size 4, but I would be quite satisfied in an 8.

Ultimately, Samantha and I will become really good acquiantances. Maybe even friends. But, in the back of my mind I will always have a love/hate relationship with her. As of this week, I have set new weightloss goals for myself, acquired a personal trainer, and a nutritionist. Some will question, "Why all of that?" I will gladly explain why: Some of us give our children the best. We give them all of the necessary tools to ensure success. Why can't I do the same for myself?

After all, I am a firm believer in "Go hard, or go home!!!" So, I will cheerfully flaunt my personal trainer havin', nutritionist usin', expensive gym membership carryin' self anywhere I please. And what I'll be spending on the nutritionist, trainer, and membership is the same amount, if not less than what I would spend on weight loss surgery. (You would need those things if you had surgery anyway in order to be thin and look good.) And, I will appreciate the pain and limping that comes with spinning class and weight-lifting... It lets me know that I am progressing. (Slowly limps to check on crying baby in crib, lol. I'm laughing, but I'm serious.) I will appreciate my time in the gym and use it as time to talk to God.

The last thing that I have learned...

• Thin is NOT sexy. HEALTHY IS SEXY!!!

(This post went wayyyy to the left. It was not what I intended to say, at all, and waaaaayyyyy longer.)

Keepin' it Glittery,

Britt